| In The End You Belong To Neither The Light Nor The Darkness |
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| And I Miss You When You're Around |
[07 Feb 2010|10:24pm] |
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Sink. Florida. Sink. - Against Me! |
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I want it to be spring. I want the air to smell clean and new; I want to run and feel the wind whipping around me and know that warmth is coming. I want the sky to be blue and not gray; I want colors and fragrances and to feel alive.
The move went as smoothly as a move could. The apartment is unpacked and pretty and mine. It's home. Nerdy and relatively empty, but all mine.
Work work work work woooooooooooooooork, but I love it. If I weren't super-busy, I don't know what I'd do.
Working out again. Bikinis come back into style in three months, and I'd like to look smoldering hot in mine. I don't need to lose any more weight - I actually need to put some back on and tone.
Things with The Boy are going as well as I could possibly hope - so much better than I'd ever dreamed they possibly could when I was crying myself to sleep over him multiple times a week back in August/September. I don't dare push him, and instead just enjoy what we have and wait until he decides to push me. He cares, and that's all that really matters.
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| Someday, You'll Have To Find A Home . . . |
[11 Dec 2009|10:20pm] |
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I am so, so glad I met him.
Even if it doesn't work out. Even if this is the best it's ever going to get. No matter what.
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| Put On Your Pretty Lies |
[04 Jun 2009|01:24pm] |
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Hang Me Out To Dry-Cold War Kids |
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I find it very sad how far I distance myself from my "friends." Every single one of them. I can babble and chatter about things that mean nothing to me, but when I have a problem, something I truly want to discuss, I can't bring it up. The mere thought makes me clench, makes me feel horribly awkward. So I keep it to myself and scribble in my journal and sink into misery.
Because everyone thinks they know me better than they do.
Because no one really knows me at all.
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| I Try To Laugh But Cry Instead |
[31 May 2009|10:17pm] |
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Love Hurts-Incubus |
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Dear Arin,
You're too rough on yourself, dear. Remember when you used to smile, dance, laugh? Remember when you looked forward to things? Remember when dragging yourself out of bed in the morning wasn't so hard? I think you do, and I think you need it back. Please return to yourself soon - I'm pretty sure the real world misses you.
Love,
Your inner self
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| I'm A Vegetarian And I Ain't Fucking Scared Of Him |
[01 May 2009|10:13am] |
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I'll Follow You Into the Dark-Death Cab for Cutie |
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I weigh in on the first of every month. I think it's better than once a week like I used to do; gives the body more time to change and adapt, as well as showing bigger results normally. So this morning I got up and went to go weigh in first thing. I worked hard in April, but was really nervous. On April 1st, I was at 135.5, which is more or less the steady weight I've held since I was 19 or so. I tended to fluctuate up 5 to 6 pounds, or down two pounds, but I basically never go below 133 or above 142. 133 is the lightest that has happened basically ever. Anyhow, I'm definitely nervous, because this was the month I started strength training. I keep reminding myself that if I gained, it was muscle, because I know it isn't fat. Even so, I don't want to see a larger number than 136. I fervently hope for a 132, and step onto the scale.
Then I gape down at the number, get off, and weigh myself again. Once again, gawk at the number that has popped up, which is - of course - the same as the first time I stepped on. Step off and check again one more time.
128.5
128.5
I am sooooooooo happy!
I'm starting a new routine and supplementation program in May, because I was pretty burnt out on the program I followed in April, but I think it will be good, since it builds and adds onto what I did in April. I'll still run every other day and do strength every other day, but I'm cutting them down. Instead of 6 miles, I'm going to do 3, and instead of all three strength routines, I'll do one. Every day, I'm doing a shred program that builds. Level One, which is already a killer, will last 10 days, then I move onto the more difficult Level Two, which will last 11 days, and finally, the utterly insane Level Three, which will last 12 days. The shred is high impact strength, cardio, and abs, and like I said, I'm only on Level One and it's really tough, but in a good way. I feel really accomplished doing it, and once I finish the running or strength afterwards (I ALWAYS do them after, or I don't know that I could get through the shred!) it's a fantastic, glowing feeling. The best part: all of this takes less than an hour. Seriously! Less than an hour.
I'm so glad I found something that works so well for me. It's not easy, but I can do it. It means waking up early to get that workout in, get a shower and get ready for work, but it's worth it. It means keeping a very careful count of calories in my brain, but I haven't cut out any foods I love - I just eat them in moderation. I still have potato chips almost every day, just fewer of them, and I know that by eating those I have to eat less fat otherwise. I also use a nutrition chart online where I enter everything I eat and it totals up the fats, proteins, carbs, and vitamins I eat in a day, which makes it simpler. Worst of all, it means eating breakfast every day (HATE) and drinking 2 cups of milk every day (ALSO HATE) but I do it. I also cut back majorly on my caffeine - one diet soda a day - and drink a truly ridiculous amount of water.
Also, working at a Vitamin World, I'm more aware of what supplements will do. I just switched from a standard women's one a day vitamin to a women's high potency sport vitamin, which has an energy blend and a joint protection blend in it. More expensive (even with my discount) but better overall. I also started taking a kickass conjugated linoleic acid blend. The CLA promotes lean muscle mass and supports metabolism and energy production, and I use one that also has a synergistic blend of tea extracts (good for metabolism, but more importantly, antioxidants) and L-Carnitine, an amino acid that helps fat metabolism. I just started taking my new vitamins and the CLA blend yesterday, so I'm hoping for them to help me out in May.
Well, I just babbled about all of that WAY too much, but I'm really excited. Enough about me. How are you doing today? I pretty much miss all of you guys. MK, I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you - I haven't been free! Let me know what you're up to next week and let's see if we coincide, okay?
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| You've Been Known To Obsess Over the Future; Do You Think You'll Ever Get Away From The Past? |
[28 Apr 2009|02:01pm] |
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Swing Life Away-Rise Against |
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So, I was starting to feel pretty unmotivated when it came to exercising, and then my new cute bikini from Victoria's Secret got here yesterday. Hello again, motivation! Also, I have a new workout video that should be here today or tomorrow so I will feel less in a funk with my strength training.
I was up in Fulton on Saturday for Islander. It was . . . I don't know. Hard? Being there hurts me; hurts me in ways I cannot even come up with exact reasons for. At first, it's always nice, and then . . . flashes of pain, and an old version of me, screaming and clawing to get out, to destroy myself and everyone around me. Hurt it, kill it, destroy it, it doesn't matter as long as everything crumbles. Self-destruction was my major, and I succeeded better than I ever could have imagined, and in a more lasting way. I don't know that I'll ever legitimately be able to put that part of me to rest, although I fought it quite well. The only solution is simple: never, ever give it the motivation to come out, which means never again returning to that place. Not a really big loss or anything, I suppose. I hate it there and hate what it does to me. But saying goodbye to something forever is never easy.
I bought my Pointfest ticket and am soooooo happy! I'll be seeing 2 out of my 4 favorite bands in one place, and some others that I enjoy quite a bit. I also bought my Comic Con tickets so that's out of the way. I can't wait to see everyone again.
I finished the Harry Potter series today. It was pretty enjoyable, although I was dissatisfied with the ending. Otherwise, they were a fun little treat. Next, I believe I am going to torture myself and attempt to read Lord of the Rings, but we'll see. They might just make me wish for a quick and untimely death.
I'm quite busy between both jobs, and I wish I had more time to breathe a little, but I'm okay. I need to figure out plans for the week, but there is not much room in my handy-dandy planner at the moment. I will try harder.
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| How Long Till The Music Drowns You Out, Dries The Words Up In Your Mouth |
[15 Apr 2009|01:47pm] |
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I now have two jobs which is sort of amazing. I enjoy being super busy, and I should be run ragged pretty quickly, so hooray! I realize that this is an odd desire, but to me, being super crazy busy makes me appreciate the moments of peace I get far more. And yeah, scheduling in everything (work outs, boy time, cleaning time) around it is difficult, but I have things mapped out. Starting tomorrow I'm on a 7-day work spree, and if I can get through that intact with my work outs, a party I'm going to, meals and whatnot, I can do anything. I am a Wonder Woman of epic proportions, just in case you didn't know.
( Boring stuff about exercise that people shouldn't read )
I am excited/terrified for Comic Con, for lots of various reasons. Mainly excited though. I just have to find a way to sneak into LOST panel on Saturday, and life will be pretty sweet. We'll be in San Diego for a week, so I will have time for all my old faves - fantastic Mexican food, In n Out, the beach, Jamba Juice, more beach, hiking, the beach some more, and all the CC madness. Not to mention my friends who I have missed like crazy. I haven't seen some of them in almost a year!
I basically put a bullet to my head last week. I have decided I am going to read all of the terribly over-hyped and ridiculous book series' I haven't. Last week was Twilight. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy goooooooooodddddddddd they were awful. Like, the premise isn't too ridiculous, but the writing is atrocious. Even then, the first three were alright. I got more humor out of them than I'm sure I should have, but hey, that's something, right? Then I got to the last one, and wow. That was the worst 760 some odd pages I have ever read in my life. YIKES. Just . . . YIKES. Then I read Stephanie Meyers other non-Twilight book, and it was much better written in the story was pretty alright. But now, thankfully, that is over and I'm moving on to the Harry Potter series, which I am at least sure will be better written. Any suggestion for what series I should hit after I'm done with them? And can you tell that I'm bored of the books I have? At least this way, people will stop gasping, "You haven't read that!?" when I mention such things.
Now it is time for iced tea and video games until the boyfriend gets here.
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| No He Can't Read My Poker Face |
[20 Mar 2009|02:31pm] |
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Breakthrough-Modest Mouse |
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Dearest LiveJournal,
Oh, the times we have been through. The boys I have whined and obsessed and gone crazy over. God, I want to delete that shit, but never do. Ugh. That is why I find that I have no desire to write about Adam whatsoever refreshing. I feel as if writing about anyone in here dooms them.
Also, dearest, dearest LJ, why am I so miserably unhappy right now? Things have been far worse for me. When it gets spring-like, I get the same feeling I would get in Spring 07, that everything was going to be crazy-awesome, and that came true. So like . . . what gives? I was going to try and blame it on the fact that I was devastatingly sick this week, but I have felt like this for a month-ish, maybe longer. BLAH.
Also AND THIS IS ANNOYING, DON'T EVEN BOTHER READING THIS I have such issues with my physical appearance that I want to scream. And flail. And scrail, which is both at the same time. At times I'm stunning; other times I want to break the fucking mirror while screaming, "FAT FAT FATTYFATFATTTTTTTTTTFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!" Which is ridiculous. I'M NOT FAT! For the love of the Force, I'm wearing a size small shirt right now that is baggy on me, and a mini-skirt that is looser on me than it was last week. Until getting sick this week, I was running 5 miles a day, if not more. I diet like a woman possessed. And yet, I am overcritical and beyond bitchy to myself. I want to lay on a beach for like, a week and make me less translucent, not eating the whole time and then maybe I'll be happy for five fucking seconds.
UGH.
Also, LJ my love, I want a job. Is that so wrong? I WANT A FUCKING JOB BEFORE I GO CRAZY! (All caps indicates that point is approaching) And to act. To do some form of acting, I don't care what - I don't care if it's just reading parts aloud from books, like I did when I was little - but SOMETHING! I am young, I am pretty, I am reasonably talented and if I'm not acting I would really just kind of like to be dead.
Oh oh oh. (I am being demanding and whiny this entry, but such is my right for like, never updating and suddenly getting an urge) I want to go on a roadtrip, too. Like, wind in my hair, sun shining, vroom vroom. STIR CRAZY STIR CRAZY AHHHHHHHHHH
Maybe I just want winter to be over. It's my favorite season, but we had snow a total of twice, and I'm done with it now. I want spring. I want sun. I want . . . a tan. (Which, wtf? I have never wanted a tan in my life!)
I actually kinda sorta think I would just prefer not to be me anymore.
Love and Kisses,
Arin
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| When You See My face, Hope It Gives You Hell |
[05 Mar 2009|12:15am] |
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Your Rain-Akira Yamaoka |
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Dearest Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse, and the many producers and writers of Lost,
Hi. Seeing as how I have devoted ever-so-many hours of my life - not to mention tears, laughter, and love - to your fantastic, innovative, wonderful, emotional show, I feel I have the right to say one little thing.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, I HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS FOR A NEW EPISODE!?!?!?!
This may not seem like long - after all, I waited from May until the last week of January for the latest season. But, the point of waiting that long is that I'm not supposed to have to wait during the season. And ending with Sawyer Seeing Hurley, Jack, and Kate - knowing oh my god they're really back! - and making me wait two weeks? CRIMINAL! Especially with the preview for the next episode.
Just sayin' guys. There had better be some delicious Charlie heading my way soon for this.
Your devoted fan,
Arin
In other aspects of my life, things are fantastic. Ria = awesome, I'm going to be gorgeous by July if I have to starve myself to do it (but I lost 5 pounds last month without that extreme, so yay!), my boyfriend is wonderful, and I love seeing my old friends at theme parties every month.
I might have introspective angst garbage soon, if I care to sit and write it, but who knows?
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| Nothing Hurts Like Nothing At All |
[10 Dec 2008|10:27am] |
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Get It Faster-Jimmy Eat World |
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That was NOT what I had in mind, although technically, yes, I got what I wanted.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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| How Close Is Close Enough? |
[09 Dec 2008|02:00pm] |
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Lindsay breathing while she sleeps |
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Sexual frustration is the fucking devil
Especially when you bring it on yourself because you're a horrible awful tease, but you teased the wrong person, who you knew was the wrong person, and then get pissed when things don't work out the way you planned the next night.
I'm going to kill him - and me - if I don't wind up in his bed tonight.
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| We Were The Vapored Trails Among The Hills |
[22 Nov 2008|06:51pm] |
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Earth Defense Force 2017 |
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I want to always, always, always, always be this happy. A great day with Vince and Adam, winding up with sushi, video games, popcorn, and sparkling apple cider. I have had a really nice time up here, and it was good for me. I feel refreshed, relaxed, happy.
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| We Live In A Beautiful Place, Let Love Take Away All This Pain |
[27 Oct 2008|09:11am] |
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Trashcan-Delta Spirit |
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Major life desicions are both difficult and stressful, but I think I mostly have things figured out.
Mostly.
The future is scary - why is that? And when did we all get so adult? Let's go back to high school for a week. Let's look like the extended group, the pictures that exist of all of us happy and friends. At theatre stuff, at the track, at parties at Ria's, around school . . . all of us, together. Looking at pictures of myself, Sara, and Kristin - and there's hundreds of those pictures - is heartbreaking. So young, so happy, best friends. I miss those days, and I miss you two. But most of all, I miss us three.
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| A Coma Might Feel Better Than This . . . |
[14 Oct 2008|05:11pm] |
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Zero-Smashing Pumpkins |
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Home was wonderful, and made me miss it. San Diego makes me want to scream and rip my hair out on occasion. Like when I get back from vacation AND MY FUCKING APARTMENT HAS BEEN ROBBED.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
I feel vulnerable, not to mention violated. Some strange person was in my room, going through my stuff. That is not okay. All the elctronics are gone, and I know it could be worse, but jesus. What a way to get back.
It was weird to be in Fulton. Weird to be at school, but not. Weird to be with the Fijis, but not know half of them. Weird to see Tony, and know I walked away from that situation without ever having been hurt, but still knowing in my heart that I care about him. Not in any way I should, especially with him having been THE ONE when it came to my innocence, but he has a place in my heart for all time.
Tangents are fun.
I feel like I have a boyfriend, without any of the fun parts of having a boyfriend. We're not officially anything, which is for the best, but we talk on the phone every night, we're all cute and flirty, and we are well aware that we like each other a lot. I would also feel guilty doing anything with anyone else at this point, because of loyalty to him, to us - an us that doesn't even really exist.
And everytime I think about the fact that he's moving to St Louis in December I want to scream.
And I want the fun parts of having a boyfriend - unofficial or not! Because the cute parts are getting so cute that even I look back on them and think, "Oh my god, kill me."
But I like him so much . . .
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| And You Can't Find Nothing At All, If There Was Nothing There All Along |
[15 Sep 2008|04:26pm] |
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Why Bother-Weezer |
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Get ready for this, guys. I'm about to make an entry that isn't filled with vagueness! It's shocking, I know. And even more than that, I need legitimate advice! On several things!
I'll start with the dumbest thing: I developed a new crush. I've had it for like, a week. Me, being way too freakishly honest like I am, sent him a message to tell him basically the second I realized it. By the time I had sent the message, my brain had caught up with what I was doing and was screaming "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?!?!" at me, but it was too late. So we've talked since then, and it's been . . . fine, but I have absolutely no clue is he is AT ALL into me. And I hate not knowing. Not like it really matters too much, I suppose. But, he is super cute ( although not my usual type, which is odd. I always go for tattooed, pierced, tall, lanky, dark haired deliciously emo boys. Or some variation of those factors. And he's just so . . . not that) really nice and funny, and we're into a lot of the same things.
Also, everyone I've told guessed who it was before I told them. Apparently it's like it was with Travis, where everyone knew I liked him before I did!
Downsides? Mais oui, mes petites fleurs. One, he's younger than me, and I swore to myself I was completely finished with younger-than-me guys. BUT, after my experience with older guys, I think they are way worse, so I guess it doesn't much matter. Two, he's an actor as well, and I am totally of the opinion that actors SHOULD NOT date, because that is waaaaaaaaay too much natural flair for drama in one relationship. Imagine me times two, and then imagine the fireworks. Three, he's moving to St. Louis in December. And four, I still have that whole thing where I think no guy should ever be interested in me because I am the total opposite of pretty and I just don't get any form of attraction to me. So, any thoughts you guys have on that would be much appreciated.
I'm still working like crazy for that trip home for my birthday. I hope it doesn't suck. I just have this horrible dread, a pit in my stomach, that it's going to suck. Not the actual-home part; I'm sure that will be fine. It's the Fulton part that I'm all worried about. I'm only going to be there for 2 days, and I'm pretty sure that it will be the last time I go there. I had a life there, and I loved it. But it's a life I left behind for good reason, and that's because it simply wasn't for me anymore. Everything happens for a reason, therefore I am not meant to be there. I'll keep in touch with my friends from there, but I'm pretty much finished with Fulton forever. And if I go there on my birthday and it sucks, FUCK THAT. I will be so pissed. Not surprised, since my birthday always manages to severely suck, but pissed as fuck.
I'm thinking about moving again. I'm such a drifter lately. It's so strange to be so disconnected. The hard part was cutting ties with home, so now that that's done, I feel like I can just go anywhere and do anything. Because, well, I kinda can. It's so weird to feel so free. Anyhow, I'm wanting to go up to LA. You know, starve myself and work out like crazy and use the crazy-driven side of me and actual like, act. It's shameful to me that I came to California, have been here for 7 months, and haven't done anything acting-wise. Instead I got caught up with stupid boys and stupid drama and it was lame as hell and now that I'm FINALLY pulling myself out from that I'm ashamed of myself. I could have dealt with ridiculous guys and ridiculous drama at home, and instead I moved halfway across the country for it? I don 't think so. So, yes. My thought processes right now are leaning toward me heading north, putting on my mask, and being what I have always been best at: not me.
That sounded ridiculously emo. I'm sorry.
So, that was my basic plan. And then last night, my roomie came along and blew my mind. She wants to move up to San Fransisco when the lease here is up, and when she heard that I'm wanting to peace out of San Diego, she got really excited. Basically, she offered to have me go up there with her and find a place. And it's tempting. It's REALLY tempting. Debbie is awesome, and has fantastic credit. We could find a really great place, and I could live in a new city, do new things. I don't know though. San Fransisco has the 49ers . . . and I just . . . don't know. When I visited, it was nice enough, but it didn't capture my heart or anything. And LA seems like the more logical choice.
And then there's San Diego. It's a beautiful city, and one I have come to know well in my adventures and explorations. I have a great job; I have great friends. If I want to stay here, I'd have to find a new place, but I'll have to do that no matter where I go. And it's weird: I've never really been happy here. I feel like I should be, but I'm not. And for a long time now, I thought it was because mine and Rocco's falling out, but I was thinking about it the other day and realized Rocco had dealt with hysterical, miserable Arin. I was unhappy before this whole mess. And yeah, this certainly has made it worse, but it was always true. I had one wonderful, shining weekend here in early April, and that was the happiest I ever was here. And I'm not sure why that is, or if it's even fixable. Whenever I go to certain places (In n Out, Grossmont, etc) I dread running into one, or - Force forbid - all of them. It would be terrible. And I don't like that it worries me that much.
So! Your thoughts on ARIN'S OTHER BIG MOVE 2008/2009 would mean a lot to me. This is a lot to sort out.
And, I guess I'm going to visit Australia next summer. That's pretty cool. I'll have to get my passport . . . and maybe if I work myself to death and save like crazy I can hit up Ireland too, and find a beautiful Cillian Murphy look alike with a castle on a cliff by the sea to love me. Or, just go to a pub and drink a pint. So if anyone is interested in going to either place, like, seriously, let me know. Australia is pretty much the plan, but Ireland could be worked out.
And my final thought of the moment: OH MY FUCKING GOD I HAVE NOT MADE OUT SINCE LIKE, THE BEGINNING OF JUNE AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THIS.
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| Cause Nothing Hurts Like Nothing At All |
[31 Aug 2008|07:02pm] |
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Chemistry of a Car Crash-Shiny Toy Guns |
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The internet got all kinds of dramatic today.
And I'm tired, so very, very tired. I work work work work work all day long, every day, and then I work some more. Lather, rinse, repeat.
This past week, I have been forced to acknowledge the fact that no, not everyone is a good person. It broke my heart to realize it, because I have always been firmly convinced that everyone is good. Well, no. Everyone isn't. And I'm dealing with some people who are legitimately not good people. And me denying that and blaming things on myself doesn't make them good. It just hurts me and makes me a fool. So a little bit of my faith and hope has died in this past week.
This is all so silly. I hate it so much. I'm such an optimistic person, and it really bothers me to lose even a little of that.
But life does things for reasons. I'll never claim to be a religious person, but I do have a lot of faith in a lot of things. One of them is simply that things work out as they are meant to. And I believe that life is going to be okay. I have multiple plans in the works for things right now, and I have a feeling amazing things are coming my way. I'm never unhappy for long and this too shall pass. I'm a joyful person, really. Emo and angsty at times, but who isn't?
The good thing? My God, people have crawled out of the woodwork and shown support. I never expected such a response, and it made my heart happy. I made a difference to them. I'm so grateful that I have made that kind of impression on them. All I ever want is to make people happy, and they turned it around in the last few days and have made me happy. To any of you reading this, thank you. Thank you so, so much. It means more to me than you know. <3
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| That's What I'm Waiting For, Aren't I? |
[23 Aug 2008|04:14pm] |
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Let it Die-Foo Fighters |
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I don't really care about anything right now.
That should probably scare me.
It doesn't.
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arinangel13's journal
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